BRO, YOU LIKE MY OUTFIT?

When did this act start? I wonder who the first genius was to say to his buddies, "I think I'm gonna take my shirt off and dance." Whoever you are, you ignited yet another sweet trend. I can only imagine what the preperation process is like for these bros. Probably something along these lines -

1.) Find a shirt with no sleeves that has skulls on it.
2.) Practice one-handed shirt removal technique.
3.) Practice incorporating said technique into a dance routine.
4.) Repeatedly say "God I cannot wait to get to the club and take this fucking shirt off" while pregaming with Red Bull and GHB.
5.) Pile in the Cadillac that your buddy can only afford by living rent free in mom's basement and blast Louie DeVito's latest club mix with the windows down en route to the hot spot.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate people who want to take care of their bodies and work out and blah blah blah. They should be proud of their hard work. But the roids aren't exactly condusive to a healthy lifestyle dummies. And why do roids anyway? What are you training for?

No one wants to see your backne. No one wants to feel your stubbly shaved arms as you rub against people pushing your way throughout the joint. And no one wants to have your hair gel infused sweat dripping into their cocktails. Do us all a favor and keep your shirt on.

Hey Bro - PSDT!

Ok girl one cubicle over who likes to read her incoming and outgoing emails aloud and yell at her computer monitor. I do not care to have you recite to me every word of work you do during the day. Maybe, just maybe, I would cut you a break and not stare daggers at you every time you do this if your annoying, squeaky voice didn’t make my weiner crawl up inside my body every time you spoke. PSDT! (Bruce Unit - Westmont, NJ)

Playing sappy slow songs from the likes of Whitney Houston and Leann Rhymes loud enough so people you work with can hear them. I know what you are trying to do. You want someone to ask you what's wrong so you can pour your heart out. I'm not taking the bait pal. Get a grip. Call your mother. PSDT! -C

To the guy who's telling a story and ends every sentence with "...right?" PSDT. "So I'm at the shore, right? And this guy comes to me, right? And he punches me in the face, right?" Oh, I'm sorry, that's what I want to do every time someone does that!!! I don't know how your story goes, because you're the one telling it! Just tell me you freakin' story as it happened to you, because you're the one that knows it best, or else you wouldn't be telling it in the first place! So next time, you're telling a story, remember that I'm begging you. Please Stop Doing This. Or else I will punch you in the face. (Max - Ft. Lauderdale, FL)

PUCKER UP

The kissy face. What is the origin of this epidemic? When did it become mandatory for people to do at least one of these photographic gems at every event?

The kissy face may have gone viral thanks in part to the guido/guidette circles and their obsession with Myspace i.e. the "kissy face in the mirror on my camera phone" picture. Nowadays, this problem can be seen running rampant throughout the rest of society. Dudes. Chicks. Babies. Black. White. Martian. Everyone is doing it. But why? What does it do besides make you look like your face is constipated?

There is no explanation for this pucker up pose, but one thing is for sure. No one looks good doing it. Especially those who post their kissy face pictures on the internet. You look terrible. What happened to smiling? Are your teeth that muffed up? Then do a closed mouth smile. Or don't smile at all. I don't care if you turn around and face the opposite direction. Anything is better than pulling a Jar Jar Binks. To all you kissy facers out there - Please stop doing this.

Bloggers, journalists, and other writers who don't know how to use proper grammar. You write for a living. It is your job. You are publishing your work for anyone in the world to see. People judge you if you can't spell simple words, you mistake "you're" for "your," you don't know what a comma is, or you never knew that regular nouns aren't capitalized in the middle of sentences. You were supposed to learn all those things in grade school. Please. Learn proper grammar and spelling. And PSDT. (Max - Fort Lauderdale, FL)

Text messaging me a question that requires a long response. Just call. PSDT. (Anna - Ambler, PA)

Why do people look around before they litter? What are you looking for? Is there something that would prevent you from littering or were you just waiting for the right moment? Please stop doing that. Find a garbage can. - C

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

As a kid I did not like raisins. Most children don't actually. I'm pretty sure the only thing youngsters hate more than raisins is finding a box of raisins at the bottom of their Halloween bag.

You know where they came from. It's the house with all the lights on, the TV flickering through the curtains, yet it takes a good five minutes for someone to come to the door. You keep knocking because you know someone is in there. How can you not? You're a kid with a sweet tooth for Pete's sakes. When door finally opens, a stale smell of mothballs goes breezing by. A little old lady with hazel hair and a maroon shawl peeks through the cracked door and slowly extends her arm towards your bag. She drops something in and you say thanks. What could it be? A Clark Bar? Junior Mints? A sampling of those Hershey mini's?

Nope...it's raisins. You won't know this until you get home, but it is. You'll know where they came from. And you'll know who your next target is for Ring and Run.

You probably know someone who gives out raisins on Halloween. Talk to them. They didn't grow up wanting raisins in their candy bag. Tell them "Please stop doing this, for the children."

Everyone is whining about the Michael Vick. Like you aren't going to watch them or go to the games. Everyone is a martyr. Wahhhh. Please stop doing this. (Brian - Marlton, NJ)

Is it really necessary to complain about it raining? Yesterday you complained it was too hot. In three months you will say it's too windy. My god shut up and please stop doing this. (Jim - Philadelphia, PA)

My neighbor at work constantly rubs her nose and it makes a squeaky snot sound which makes me ill! PSDT before I break your nose. (Christina - Collingswood, NJ)

Everytime you are drunk, you leave me multiple voicemails saying the same thing....DAD. PSFDT. (Mike - Newark, DE)

I know someone who says bro after every sentence. Please stop doing this. (Eric, Toms River, NJ)

There's a woman at my work who sends out emails that start off, "For Your FYI..." PSDT, you're retarded and embarassing yourself. (Brett - Mt. Laurel, NJ)

IMPERSONATING AN INDIAN/PAKISTANI STORE OWNER

There's a gentleman - let's call him Dan - who works in a different department from where my office is located. Dan likes to walk around a lot and bother people. Dan also likes to chum it up with his so-called buddies who have offices located near mine who can't stand him either. Dan ALSO thinks he's funny. The basis of Dan's comedic genius lies in his impersonation of an Indian/Pakistani store owner, similar to Apu from The Simpsons. I hate it. It makes the hair on my arms stand up. As I am writing this, I can hear him doing it. I want to go tell him to shut his goddamned mouth. But alas, I will keep the peace.

Apu - funny. Kerpal - funny. Dan - A-hole.

Hey Dan, you are not funny. Your act is not funny. The ladies don't think it's funny. Please stop doing this.

(Editor's note - I know "believe" is misspelled in the picture above. I found it on google. Don't judge me.)

When people eat Cheetos at work and then walk around the office socializing before the bag is finished. Then they proceed to suck the remaining cheese remnants off of their orange fingers one by one. Disgusting. PSDT. The snack is finished when the bag is empty, you animal. (Brett - Mt. Laurel, NJ)

I walked into the men's room and someone was talking on their cellphone while in the stall. Please stop doing this. (Rich A. - Philadelphia, PA)

Why do people try to set up their beach party right next to yours when they have room somewhere else? Please stop doing this. (Taylor652 - Corson's Inlet, NJ)

HITTING YOUR BRAKES WHEN PASSING A CAR THAT'S ALREADY PULLED OVER

So you're driving down the highway, cruising right along with the windows down, blaring your favorite Sting tune, when all of the sudden a parade of red brake lights appears on the horizon. "What is it? An accident?" you ask yourself, panicking that your quick trip to the casinos is going to be delayed an extra hour because someone decided to sideswipe a fellow driver while trying to put fire sauce onto their Gordita. Much to your surprise, however, there is no accident ahead which caused the foot stampede on the brake pedal. Nope, nothing but a squad car with flashing lights parked behind some suped out Mitsubishi Eclipse with tinted windows. Sigh....

Look people, there is no reason - NONE - that you should feel the need to hit your breaks when passing a car that is already pulled over. Do you really think that your driving performance is going to supercede a ticket writing already in progress? Did you think the officer was going to see your bad ass streaking by at 66 mph and think to himself, "That's the son of a bitch I've been waiting for all my life", all while sprinting to his car and hightailing it back onto the highway so he can give you a ticket? Get a grip. You're not that important and you're not breaking any laws. Please stop doing this.