DRY CLEANERS CAN GO TO HELL

Seriously? I paid to have my buttons busted up? How is it that people continue to pay for a service that damages their goods, leading to paying more money to have something fixed? I understand buttons are not a big deal and are very cheap to replace. But factor this in my friends: when you are getting a shirt repaired due to broken buttons, you are wearing more shirts thus making more trips to the button busters to have those shirts cleaned. So they are breaking buttons and repairing buttons at the same time. Repeat cycle.

Dry cleaners are the shady mechanics of the clothing industry. Bring 'er in for an oil change and walk out with a new transmission a few grand in the hole. Same holds true with these crooks. Dry clean a few shirts - no starch please, and that does not mean light starch, it means take your starch and shove it - and the next thing you know, you can't wear half of your clean wardrobe. Yet another waste. And what the hell are you people doing to the armpits, letting your cat pee on them? That stain wasn't there when I brought it in. Looks like I have a new Banana Republic furniture duster.

Button breakers be damned. You know what you did. PSDT. Thieves.

DID YOU JUST FART?

People really need to stop farting in public, especially in highly populated areas like a restaurant, shopping mall, ballgame or place of business. There is nothing worse than walking around minding your own business when suddenly your face hurts from the smell of a rotten air biscuit. It's gross and I heard it depletes one's immune system. So for endangering my health alone this should be a punishable offense.

In addition to making others ill, you sneaky farters need to quit leaving these land mines around for other people to take the blame. You know who you are. You let one go and walk away, all while the poor guy trying to fix the busted printer is being accused of stinking up the joint. If you have to bang one out, do us all a favor and go to the restroom. This goes for all of you - even the ladies. You will eventually be outed. PSDT you nasties.

PS - Don't think because you have your own office it's not going to smell. It does. Get a Glade plug-in pal.

BRO, YOU LIKE MY OUTFIT?

When did this act start? I wonder who the first genius was to say to his buddies, "I think I'm gonna take my shirt off and dance." Whoever you are, you ignited yet another sweet trend. I can only imagine what the preperation process is like for these bros. Probably something along these lines -

1.) Find a shirt with no sleeves that has skulls on it.
2.) Practice one-handed shirt removal technique.
3.) Practice incorporating said technique into a dance routine.
4.) Repeatedly say "God I cannot wait to get to the club and take this fucking shirt off" while pregaming with Red Bull and GHB.
5.) Pile in the Cadillac that your buddy can only afford by living rent free in mom's basement and blast Louie DeVito's latest club mix with the windows down en route to the hot spot.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate people who want to take care of their bodies and work out and blah blah blah. They should be proud of their hard work. But the roids aren't exactly condusive to a healthy lifestyle dummies. And why do roids anyway? What are you training for?

No one wants to see your backne. No one wants to feel your stubbly shaved arms as you rub against people pushing your way throughout the joint. And no one wants to have your hair gel infused sweat dripping into their cocktails. Do us all a favor and keep your shirt on.

Hey Bro - PSDT!

Ok girl one cubicle over who likes to read her incoming and outgoing emails aloud and yell at her computer monitor. I do not care to have you recite to me every word of work you do during the day. Maybe, just maybe, I would cut you a break and not stare daggers at you every time you do this if your annoying, squeaky voice didn’t make my weiner crawl up inside my body every time you spoke. PSDT! (Bruce Unit - Westmont, NJ)

Playing sappy slow songs from the likes of Whitney Houston and Leann Rhymes loud enough so people you work with can hear them. I know what you are trying to do. You want someone to ask you what's wrong so you can pour your heart out. I'm not taking the bait pal. Get a grip. Call your mother. PSDT! -C

To the guy who's telling a story and ends every sentence with "...right?" PSDT. "So I'm at the shore, right? And this guy comes to me, right? And he punches me in the face, right?" Oh, I'm sorry, that's what I want to do every time someone does that!!! I don't know how your story goes, because you're the one telling it! Just tell me you freakin' story as it happened to you, because you're the one that knows it best, or else you wouldn't be telling it in the first place! So next time, you're telling a story, remember that I'm begging you. Please Stop Doing This. Or else I will punch you in the face. (Max - Ft. Lauderdale, FL)

PUCKER UP

The kissy face. What is the origin of this epidemic? When did it become mandatory for people to do at least one of these photographic gems at every event?

The kissy face may have gone viral thanks in part to the guido/guidette circles and their obsession with Myspace i.e. the "kissy face in the mirror on my camera phone" picture. Nowadays, this problem can be seen running rampant throughout the rest of society. Dudes. Chicks. Babies. Black. White. Martian. Everyone is doing it. But why? What does it do besides make you look like your face is constipated?

There is no explanation for this pucker up pose, but one thing is for sure. No one looks good doing it. Especially those who post their kissy face pictures on the internet. You look terrible. What happened to smiling? Are your teeth that muffed up? Then do a closed mouth smile. Or don't smile at all. I don't care if you turn around and face the opposite direction. Anything is better than pulling a Jar Jar Binks. To all you kissy facers out there - Please stop doing this.

Bloggers, journalists, and other writers who don't know how to use proper grammar. You write for a living. It is your job. You are publishing your work for anyone in the world to see. People judge you if you can't spell simple words, you mistake "you're" for "your," you don't know what a comma is, or you never knew that regular nouns aren't capitalized in the middle of sentences. You were supposed to learn all those things in grade school. Please. Learn proper grammar and spelling. And PSDT. (Max - Fort Lauderdale, FL)

Text messaging me a question that requires a long response. Just call. PSDT. (Anna - Ambler, PA)

Why do people look around before they litter? What are you looking for? Is there something that would prevent you from littering or were you just waiting for the right moment? Please stop doing that. Find a garbage can. - C